I think most men do not maintain friendships unless there is some outside circumstances that keeps them in touch. School, work, church, clubs, or even just being neighbors.
Without exception the people who were my closest friends in high school didn't really keep in touch when we all went off to college. The friendships I made in college did not persist after graduation. There's a guy at work I had lunch with almost every day for years, he retired and that was the last time I saw him. There was a group of fathers I was friendly with because our kids were playing ball together on the same team. The kids got older and went their separate ways, and we really don't see each other anymore.
Maintaining friendships takes work if circumstances don't assist.
Might be largely the same for women, but it seems to me they tend to make more of an effort to keep in touch and keep getting together.
This is all just my experience so I could be way off I guess.
I read somewhere long ago that the biggest factor in building friendships is shared experience - like the “circumstances” you described. More important than anything else. Ones those experiences go away so does the common ground.
You specifically mention building friendships. What it takes to build and maintain friendships can be different. Once friendships are built on the back of a shared experience, they can survive the loss of that shared experience, if the parties recognize that things have changed, continue to value the friendship, and understand that maintaining the friendship will require a different kind of commitment and different levels and styles of interaction.
I'm not saying this is always easy, and sometimes one or more people in the friend group just decide that the friendships aren't that important to them to maintain. But it's absolutely possible, and can be very rewarding.
I agree with this. Without the shared experience maintaining any relationship probably requires a lot more effort and desire to maintain it.
My experience is a bit different from yours, and I wonder what happened with you vs. me that made it that way. (Granted, while I'm a man, the friend groups I'm about to describe are mixed-gender groups, so it's a little different from the overall discussion.)
I have three friends from high school that I still keep in touch with. We have a Whatsapp group that isn't super active, but we chat once or twice a month there. Even though we all live in different places now, we meet up roughly once per year, for a few days, to see each other and hang out, and our chat traffic jumps in frequency for a couple months after that meetup.
I have three friends from college that I still keep in touch with. We have a Signal group that's a bit more active than my high school friend group, with weekly activity. In-person meetings are rare; two of the friends have larger than average family obligations. In college we originally bonded over scifi TV shows, and when new episodes of some shows we all enjoy come out, we'll try to do group watches of them on Zoom (usually with a general chat/hangout before we start watching).
I have three friends from a previous job that I still keep in touch with (I have other friends from this same job that I still keep in touch with and see often enough, but this particular group struck me as a true "friend group" and not just a random collection of people who sometimes see each other in various combinations). We have a Slack workspace that was originally created for one of the guys' bachelor parties in 2018 (this is the only all-male group out of the three). Two of us still live within a ~30 minute drive of each other, but the other two have moved away. The Slack is very active, with near-daily activity, even though one of the four of us lives in a drastically different time zone now. In-person meetups are a bit more informal (and rare for the one of us who lives across the world); often it will just be two or three of the four, depending on who is visiting someone else's city at the time.
While I'm not involved in the day-to-day lives of these friends, they are still dear to me, and maintaining these connections is important to me. I guess it's important to all of us; in the past I've been a member of group chats where there are one or two people who never participate, even though the others do regularly, and it always feels like a bummer to see their name in the list but never hear from them (the former co-worker group I described is like this). It's a tough thing, though, when you think about it: to make these sorts of things successful, the friendships need to be of roughly the same importance to everyone in the group, and I expect that's a difficult bar to meet sometimes.
You just wrote my biography. Incredible. My experience is nearly identical.
I agree and relate to this. Friend take work to maintain.
The friends that persist beyond what you describe are because we invent some shared project to work on together. Really doesn’t matter what it is.
> Friend take work to maintain.
> we invent some shared project to work on together