OP, you’re setting yourself up to fail.
Stop being so different and try to match what companies are looking for.
Remote only.
Single letter surname.
This constraint, that constraint, you’re getting the answer you are telling the market to give you.
Yes there are now significant barriers you face: x months not in a relevant role, laid off, 20 years in the industry without a management role.
If you’re pitching yourself against people who have 3-5 years experience, will work 50-60 hour weeks coz early in career and lifestyle unencumbered, it’s not going to go your way.
That means you have to go the extra mile to fit what is wanted.
And yes, that likely means significant drop in salary / attractiveness of role / commute etc.
Maybe there just isn’t the work where you are and you will need to move, maybe your mother too.
Talk to people in the industry you know and trust about this, not HN.
I’ve been in similar situations, currently in a very tech role at 62, but that’s not usual.
Wish you the best
20+ years in the industry without significant leadership of one kind or another (either being a tech lead/staff engineer or manager) makes someone very hard to hire.
This is an interesting , and often heard, take. I wonder if its mainly a US thing? I fit this description but not had problems getting jobs, and know others in the same situation. None of us expect top dollar though, and we probably (hopefully ; ) ) give a vibe of "they might be older than me but more likely to be a help than a hindrance in my team" to managers.... Personally I think its short-sighted to dismiss those who shun / ignore leadership opportunities. There are many great experienced engineers who appear to be coasting but actually do keep up with skills, and are very productive with no drama. 20+ years experience makes you avoid blind alleys and over-complexity, deal well with messy legacy codebases, and learn some social skills along the way ;)
This is absolutely a US thing, but even so, if you're a nice person, you can get away with a lot more than if you're not. I have heard before that you can be a successful engineer if you are two of brilliant, affable, and diligent (pick any two). Just being nice goes a long way.
However, note that being a nice person combined with knowing your way around legacy codebases is a form of leadership in itself. Not one that we reward well, sadly, but if your colleagues have a chat with you (which they like to do anyway) and then save hours of work, that's leadership.
Staff engineer is incredibly hard to attain in a lot of companies outside of FAANG as there are so few positions - sometimes even 10 year old companies only recently create the position. They want you to become a manager instead. IME you stay Senior for a very very long time but basically do the job of Staff